What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
