thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
