No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
