is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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