My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i would punch a child for taco bell
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
