she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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