my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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