all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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