dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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