I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
