either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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