I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
