The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
