Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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