thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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