life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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