i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
