I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
