your parents love me but you hate me
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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