I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
