I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
