just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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