Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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