I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
