I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
