If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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