Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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