i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
