Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
