I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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