You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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