im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
