I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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