My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
