hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
