dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
