i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
