it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
