Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
