I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
