im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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