My nipple is on Facebook.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
