He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Randomize
