Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
