Just fell off a train. Bad.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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