She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
