There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
