dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
