Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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