My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
