woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
